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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28143240">a dosage of time</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/akaparalian/pseuds/akaparalian'>akaparalian</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Everything I Never Told You - Celeste Ng</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Fix-It of Sorts, Gen, Time Loop</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 16:00:49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,023</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28143240</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/akaparalian/pseuds/akaparalian</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Lydia dies.</p>
<p>Nath wakes up.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Nath Lee &amp; Lydia Lee</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Yuletide 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>a dosage of time</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Suisse/gifts">Suisse</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Happy Yuletide, Suisse! &lt;3</p>
<p>Title from the poem of the same name by Clairel Estevez.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> Lydia dies.</p>
<p>Nath wakes up.</p>

<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>--</p>
</div><p>At first, he thinks it must all have been a nightmare. </p>
<p>It's the obvious answer, and the stupid one. But for just a moment, when Nath is still half-asleep in the early morning light, when he stumbles from his room and finds his sister walking down the hallway, her hair swinging behind her as she turns a corner, completely oblivious to the way he's staring after her, suddenly gone stock-still -- for just that one instant, it's absolutely unavoidable. There's a crushing wave of relief: <em>Oh, thank God, thank God, she's not dead. None of it was real, she's not there, she's not dead.</em></p>
<p>What a horrible thing to dream about -- his sister missing, for days, and then dead at the bottom of the lake. And it had felt so <em>real</em>, the way Nath's nightmares usually don't; no one had walked into school completely naked, or fallen and fallen through an endless sky, or had their teeth suddenly disappear. There hadn't even been any kind of gory slasher-film stuff that he might have blamed on an overactive imagination or watching too much television. And he can't quite shake it from his mind, either; all through the school day, he catches himself thinking about it at odd moments. He can remember it so <em>clearly</em>, which is part of the problem. It hasn't faded from his mind the way nightmares are supposed to. He finds himself keeping an extra-alert eye out for Lydia in the hallways, even though he feels more than a little silly for it, watching for her hunched shoulders and only feeling his own react when he can look right at her and say to himself, <em>See, you idiot? There she is.</em></p>
<p>He feels a lot less like an idiot when he wakes up the <em>next</em> morning and, with a terrible deja vu, discovers that Lydia has disappeared.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>__</p>
</div><p>It's a little harder to excuse it as a dream the next time he wakes up, that same morning all over again. Lydia's <em>there</em> -- he sits there across from her at the breakfast table -- but she'd been there before, too, right up until she hadn't been.</p>
<p>He nearly begs off school, a little bit terrified that he's going out of his mind, but he has no idea what he would even say to try and explain to his mother, and he doesn't know how to fake a fever, and, besides, he feels a desperate urge to keep Lydia  in his line of sight as much as possible. After all, if he doesn't lose sight of her, then she can't disappear; if she doesn't disappear, then she can't die, can she?</p>
<p>For a split second, he's frozen with fear of the alternative -- <em>watching</em> his sister die, right in front of his eyes, still just as powerless to stop it as he had been when it happened out of view. He honestly doesn't know whether that would be better or worse, to be there with her.</p>
<p>It doesn't matter, he tells himself fiercely, scowling at nothing. It doesn't matter, because he's not going to find out, because <em>Lydia is not going to die again</em>.</p>
<p>He grabs her by the arm just before they get to school, dragging her off to the side of the entrance despite her surprised "Hey!"</p>
<p>But what the hell is he actually supposed to say to her? He's still not entirely sure he's not just going crazy. 'Don't die, Lydia?' Sure, that'll go over well. She's already scowling at him, her brows pinched together in a way that makes her look way older than she really is, like he's some annoying kid and she's got more important things to do than stand around talking to him.</p>
<p>"What's your problem?" she asks, jerking her arm out of his grip and crossing it across her chest instead. "I've gotta get to class, Nath."</p>
<p>"I--" Nath starts, but falls at the first hurdle. "You--" he tries again, but still has no idea what to say. "Lydia, listen--"</p>
<p>It's a credit to Lydia, and to everything their relationship has been for so much of their lives, that she does stop and listen, waiting for him to finally force something intelligible out of his mouth with both eyebrows raised. But Nath only fumbles and shakes out a few more inane syllables, too busy seeing his sister's empty bedroom, her grave, the <em>lake</em>, to be able to get out any actual words.</p>
<p>He usually thinks of himself as a fairly smart guy, but he's never felt stupider than he does right now. His palms are sweaty, and it feels like every muscle in his body is shaking, and <em>still</em> he can't do more than swear at himself.</p>
<p>Lydia's actually the one who looks concerned for <em>him</em> now. She takes a step closer, her mouth turning down just slightly at the corners. "Nath, what's <em>wrong?</em> You look terrible."</p>
<p>"No, that's--" Nath manages, shaking his head, short, jerky movements that practically make his brain rattle out of his ears. "I'm not-- Look. Lydia, you -- you have to be <em>careful</em>."</p>
<p>Instantly, his sister transforms, leaning away from him and standing up straight as a ruler. Her face goes cold, her eyes shutter, and too late, Nath realizes his mistake -- she must think he means Jack.</p>
<p>Well, he supposes he <em>does</em> mean Jack. But not the way she thinks he does, not really. Not because he's worried about the two of them fogging up the fucking windows at Makeout Point, not because he's worried about her <em>virtue</em>, but because he's worried about -- because he knows that she'll --</p>
<p>"Leave me alone, Nath," Lydia says coolly, already turning away from him. "It's none of your business, okay? So just leave me the hell alone."</p>
<p>She's gone and inside the school before Nath manages to unstick himself from that spot, with his mouth hanging uselessly open and his eyes pricking with hot, frustrated tears. She's through the doors and swallowed up by the heaving crowd, and there's a cold, sinking feeling in Nath's chest that already tells him he's lost her all over again.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>__</p>
</div><p>The next time he wakes up, he just lies there in his bed and stares up at the ceiling. He hasn't checked the calendar yet, and he certainly hasn't gone downstairs and seen the newspaper, but he can hear Lydia moving around in her room down the hall. He'll go and check later, just to be sure, but he already knows he's back again; there's no point in panicking and rushing around. If this is going to keep happening to him, over and over and over, then it's past time he actually got smart about it.</p>
<p>Clearly, trying to keep an eye on Lydia -- even trying to talk to her -- isn't enough. He can't exactly tie her up or lock her in her room, and if he tries to tell anyone else what's going on, get any of them on his side, they'll think he's crazy for sure, and he wouldn't be much good to her then. </p>
<p>No. He has to do it alone, and he has to try something new, because clearly going straight for Lydia isn't the solution. But Lydia's not the only player in this story, is she?</p>
<p>Nath frankly can't believe it's taken him this long to think of going after Jack. Admittedly, he's been trying to come to terms with -- well -- whatever the hell is happening to him, so he's been a little distracted, a little blinkered when it comes to thinking of Lydia and no one else. But Jack is the obvious person to look to next, and part of Nath is darkly glad, relieved, even, at the thought of having someone to take out his perpetually mounting frustration on.</p>
<p>If he can't stop this by going to Lydia herself, he'll just have to remove the person putting her at risk.</p>
<p>He'd been Lydia's shadow before, keeping his eyes perpetually on her; now, he's Jack's, never letting him out of sight. He even follows Jack to the <em>bathroom</em> in third period, meeting his eyes in the mirror and glaring while Jack looks at him, confused. Neither of them says anything, but it's beyond obvious by that point that Jack's noticed Nath's attention on him. He looks nervous about it, something which only reinforces Nath's conviction that this is the right track -- that <em>this </em>is what's going to save his sister. What would Jack have to be nervous about, if he hadn't been planning on doing something horrible?</p>
<p>Nath lingers within eyesight of Jack's car after school, leaning up against the exterior of the building and staring across the parking lot. He watches, watches, watches, makes eye contact with Jack across the parking lot, holds him in place with a glare. Jack doesn't move, though he does, after a moment, look away; it seems like he's trying to brush Nath off, except it actually just makes him look guilty and scared.</p>
<p>Satisfaction beats in his breast. Nath shoves off the wall and stalks across the blacktop, keeping Jack pinned in place the entire time. </p>
<p>"Hi, Nath," Jack says quietly, warily, when he gets within a few feet. Part of Nath thinks, <em>He doesn't sound like a murderer</em>. But there's stupid thoughts like that, and then there's his sister's corpse, and the fact that he knows, <em>knows</em>, that Jack is the one who put her at the bottom of the lake.</p>
<p>"Got any plans this evening?" Nath all but snarls at him. When Jack blinks at him, clearly stunned, his frustration and disgust only grow. Who does he think he's fooling? He's no good at acting, anyway.</p>
<p>"What?" Jack asks, but Nath ignores him. He takes another step closer, instead, muscling his way into Jack's space, jutting out his chin and crossing his arms over his chest and letting his lips draw back in a sneer. People have started to take notice, started to whisper and gasp, but Nath doesn't care about any of that. None of them matters. Lydia -- Lydia is the only one who matters, right now. And Jack isn't allowed to touch her.</p>
<p>(In a moment of deep irony, Nath manages to entirely miss that Lydia herself has frozen just outside of the school, watching her brother and Jack with eyes that shine with tears. He doesn't notice at all when she turns and slips away, disappearing into the crowd to make her way home.)</p>
<p>"Do--" Jack starts to ask, then, so fast Nath almost doesn't notice, he bites his lip, uncertain. "Do you need a ride, or something?"</p>
<p>Nath doesn't even bother answering; he just holds eye contact for another few seconds, then wordlessly yanks open the car door and swings himself inside. When Jack climbs into the driver's seat and locks the two of them in, he all but glows with satisfaction; no way he's letting Jack out of his sight for even a second. If he tries to do <em>anything</em> to Lydia, Nath's going to know about it, and Jack is going to wish he was never born.</p>
<p>Jack drives him home, and Nath doesn't say a damn word to him the entire way; Jack slouches over to his house and stays there, and Nath keeps watch all night, alone in the dark and full of the righteous conviction that he's saving his sister's life.</p>
<p>He falls asleep just after dawn, thinking, <em>I did it, I must have done it, she's okay. </em>He doesn't realize that, while he was focusing all of his attention on Jack's house, Lydia had slipped out behind him, and that even now, she's at the bottom of the lake all over again, just as surely as every time before.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>__</p>
</div><p>Nath wakes up and finds Lydia gone and realizes that none of this is a nightmare. It's never been a nightmare; it's much worse than that. He's in hell.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>__</p>
</div><p>It doesn't take long before time starts slipping. The first time Nath wakes up and realizes he doesn't even remember how many times it's been that his sister has died, he rolls over and just stares at the wall, and doesn't even bother getting out of bed. His mother and father are, eventually, livid with him for having skipped school that day, but Lydia still disappears, so it doesn't matter, anyway. None of it <em>matters</em>.</p>
<p>He doesn't have any idea how long it is before he finds his way out to the lake. It's been a dozen times at least, but beyond that, the specificity is completely lost on him. Past a certain point, he thinks, it's not like it really can get any worse -- how is dead fifteen times different from dead ten times, or twenty-five times, or fifty? </p>
<p>But every single one of those times, he thinks, looking out over the water in the dead of night, this is where Lydia has died. Even now, he doesn't know <em>how</em> exactly -- for that matter, he doesn't know if it's always the same way, or if he has at least managed to affect events enough to change some of the details. But he does know that this is always where they find her body. He knows that she's come out here, maybe alone, maybe with someone else, and she's--</p>
<p>He remembers pushing her into the water when they were kids, and he shudders so hard he nearly throws himself in, bile rising up in his throat.</p>
<p>"Nath?"</p>
<p>He jumps at the sound of his sister's voice, his heart hammering in his throat -- but he relaxes a moment later, barely even bothering to look. After all, it's the wrong sister.</p>
<p>"What the hell are you doing out here?" he asks, voice rough.</p>
<p>Hannah doesn't answer. She does come to sit beside him, though, her tiny body folding up neatly on the creaky old wood of the dock. Nath doesn't say anything to her, either -- doesn't know what to say, doesn't particularly care to go to the trouble of opening his mouth. So they just sit there, shoulder to shoulder, as the air around them becomes heavy with midnight.</p>
<p>Even if he were able to accept an idea like <em>Lydia is fated to die</em>, even if he were able to make his peace with that and move on -- and, to be clear, he's not -- Nath doesn't know what he's supposed to think about the fact that it's happening over and over and over again, to <em>him</em> as much as to Lydia. Why is he the only one who has to suffer through this again and again? What is he, out of everyone, doing wrong?</p>
<p>The wind shifts, picks up just a little, and Hannah shivers next to him, hunching into his side. Nath absentmindedly wraps an arm around her, and she leans into him even more in gratitude. Still, neither of them says a word, both just sitting there in the quiet, each of them -- thought Nath doesn't know it -- filled with their own kind of grief and worry and fear.</p>
<p>And that is how Lydia finds them, nearly an hour later. She sees two dark shapes at the end of the dock, and it takes her a moment to realize that those are Nath and Hannah. What the hell are they doing here? She almost turns to leave, fully intends to do so, but she hesitates for just a fraction of a second, and she must catch in Hannah's peripheral vision, because her little sister turns her head to look at her, and when Hannah turns, Nath does too, so slowly it almost seems like he's dreading what he'll find.</p>
<p>No point trying to walk away now. Lydia sighs quietly to herself and tries to pretend she's not a little bit happy to find them here, a little bit affectionate at the sight of Nath using his body to shield Hannah from the wind. She walks toward them, slowly, until she's close enough that she can make eye contact with them in the dark, and then she pauses, shifting her weight from foot to foot and actively trying <em>not</em> to make sense of what she's feeling.</p>
<p>"What are you two doing here?" she says, eventually, but neither of them answers her. Hannah's looking at her in this quiet, pensive sort of way, which isn't all that unusual for her. But Nath, too, is staring, and <em>his</em> face is twisted up in -- in guilt, she realizes, and sadness. Almost... grief. </p>
<p>How long has it been since she's seen that kind of remorse on her brother's face?</p>
<p>"It's late," she says, slowly -- hypocritically, too, but neither of them says anything about it. There's something about the way they're both looking at her, especially Nath, but Hannah, too. Like they... Lydia tries to shut down the thought before it can reach its conclusion, but doesn't quite manage in time. <em>Like they're mourning her</em>. </p>
<p>She bites her lip, not sure what to do, what to say. Not sure, frankly, what the hell is going on. But she feels cold suddenly, and yet warm at the same time; it's been so long since she shared a quiet moment like this with her brother, with her sister, and suddenly she's just tired, really feeling the lateness of the hour, and all of the <em>shit </em>that's piled up lately. All of that shit she still has to deal with, but for tonight... For tonight, maybe she should just let this be enough. Maybe she'll figure it out in the morning.</p>
<p>Slowly, moving like she's half-afraid Nath and Hannah will bolt off if she does something too suddenly, Lydia walks the rest of the way across the dock and sits down on the other side of Hannah, so that her sister's body is squished up between Lydia and Nath. She almost, almost smiles at the feeling of Hannah's little hand creeping over to grab her own a few minutes later, and of Nath slowly relaxing as the night moves on around them, tension seeping from his shoulders.</p>
<p>It <em>is</em> late, and they'll all have to go home eventually. But, until dawn breaks over the horizon, this will be enough.</p>
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